In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?