boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
🙄😏😂🤣
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
started wrapping my pills in cheese
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
🍛