Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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Pringles
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.