If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.