Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.