Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
You Might Also Like
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
ok this is my dumbest yet
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
this is the greatest thing ever
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*