Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.