when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.