It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?