Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
You Might Also Like
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Lmao
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.