Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?