If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
A fake ID that makes you younger
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*jazz hands*
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff