Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.