What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.