I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭