Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
You Might Also Like
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.