*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Still cracks me up
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Just me?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.