I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
You Might Also Like
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?