All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
You Might Also Like
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Science memes
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on