Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.