him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
S M O L
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
…żyje?
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???