I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
doing your own taxes
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I have never related to a cat more
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer