[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.