[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.