2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
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When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French