She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Holy crap this is wonderful
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.