Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet