“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.