PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
This was my dad’s browser history.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
sleeping beauty
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back