The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
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Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Breaking news:
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔