It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping