Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.