“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You Might Also Like
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Golf would be better with landmines.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”