Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
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Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.