Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
How to properly lift a body
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.