Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.