Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
This headline is a thing of beauty
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.