Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
You Might Also Like
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
S O O N
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.