journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Looking at you, Jesus.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order