”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
how it started vs how it ended
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know