*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
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*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!