I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
saving face 👀
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well