I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.