Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Don’t make me out nice you.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Your secret is safeish with me
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!