I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I have so many questions.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on