“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
What?!?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”