Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me