when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*