Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
road rage
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea