One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
You Might Also Like
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.